Harry Potter and the Innate Malapropism
by Lord Jeram
Summary: Harry Potter's new adventure into awkward indoctrination. HPPHHPYRRYPH
1. Harry Enjoys Some Lunch

H A R R Y P O T T E R A N D T H E I N N A T E M A L A P R O P I S M

* * *

Harry Potter was fed up. His mesmerizing green eyes flashed with a glint of anger; if any fool had seen that penetrating gaze, they would assuredly faint from the pure hatred permeating the very depths of the Boy-Who-Lived's eyes. Harry closed his eyes and sighed. He turned to face the door to his room and opened his eyes, affixing a determined expression on his face.

Harry gritted his teeth. "It's time for me to be independent," Harry declared in a firm, clear voice. "No longer shall I suffer from the shackles and bindings of oppressing adults, neither well-meaning nor ill-wishing! Those foolish so-called 'rules' they insist are for my safety are nothing but unintentional constraints to my very dignity!"

He thrust open the door with a fluid but powerful motion, and stepped out into the hallway. Harry breathed in deeply, savoring the air of freedom. His brilliant emerald eyes brimmed with unshed tears, and he choked slightly, caught up in the intense emotions that raced through his veins.

"This is it," Harry murmured in an awed voice. "My chance to truly live for once; to do something I've wanted to do for so long... Something I've truly... needed. My freedom."

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_Frankie The Spoon Presents  
A Djinni Softworks Production_

_Harry Enjoys Some Lunch  
by Lord Jeram_

xxxxxx_  
_

Harry whistled a merry tune as he rummaged through the Dursley's refrigerator. Due to an astonishing plot twist, the Dursleys had all gone on vacation for that afternoon, leaving their "freakish" relative free to roam the house on his own. Of course, Uncle Vernon had warned his nephew to stay in his room the entire time, and to focus on one thing during their absence: doing nothing to disturb the house or the neighborhood in any possible way.

The Dursleys planned a vacation to distant West Essex, nearly three Kilometers away. Dudley had reached a truly epic degree of improbable girth and bodily proportion, with a perfectly round body from the neck down, two stubby legs sticking out at odd angles, and his bulbous arms protruding like tubes of gelatin from his corpulent form, his two massive fists bristling with callouses and bruises. His face was scrunched and his skin stretched over his reddened face. As the spherical boy breathed, his body shook with his intense efforts to maintain his cardiovascular efforts.

Aunt Petunia waited in the car.

While the exposition had continued, Harry had busied himself gathering the essential components to his sumptuous banquet in waiting. It was now time - high time - to eat him some lunch. Harry scratched his chin thoughtfully, ignoring the bare scruffiness of his miniscule facial hair. "I think a tasty soup shall be first," Harry remarked with a grin as he looked at his reflection at a nearby mirror.

Of course, this particular mirror was not enchanted or charmed to do anything useful, such as provide superficial compliments or display the results of a curse or hex thrown at a victim. It was just an ordinary muggle mirror. Just the way Harry liked it.

xxxxxxxxx

The soup simmered with a friendly gurgle on the range, letting off the distinct scent of pepper and ginger, of which Harry had added in abundance. It was a creamy corn squash soup, although Harry had replaced the milk in the recipe with rice milk, being a strict 3rd-level vegan. Now that the soup was nearing completion, the Boy-Who-Lived added a dash of paprika for color and set the soup aside to cool.

Harry grinned and rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "Now for my favorite part: making the sandwiches!" Harry planned to make three sandwiches, each a collection of his favorite tastes to form a symbiotic symphony of magnificent culinary magnitude. The first sandwich would be on glazed sourdough, fresh from the cupboard. Harry added a thin slice of ham, followed by four strips of vegetarian bacon. Following this were, in quick succession (Harry's Seeker instincts coming to play) a boiled egg, four slices of romaine lettuce, a sprinkling of shredded mozzarella, and (as Harry was a strict 3rd-level vegan) an egg-free, dairy-free, meat-free piece of organic celery.

Next would be the rye on wheat, which was just three slices of rye bread between two whole wheat slices. This sandwich was one of Harry's favorites; he called it his Quintuple Breads of Glory.

xxxx

Finally Harry completed his post-penultimate sandwich, his ultimate solace from the cold, harsh world. Squeezed between two firm slices of crisp toasted pumpernickel was a slice of turkey, four strips of Canadian bacon, a dollop of mayonnaise, three pieces of American cheese, another helping of mayonnaise, four sweet pickle slices, and an Earl Grey tea bag, topped off with another glop of mayonnaise. As Harry put away the mayonnaise, a drop of the sweet, sweet mixture dripped from the jar, speeding towards the clean kitchen floor. Finally putting his Seeker reflexes to good use, Harry's finger darted down, and with one smooth motion, snatched the wayward mayo out of the air and put it in his mouth, where it found a good home.

Harry grinned, satisfied.

"Finally," Harry grinned. "Only two things are left for my sumptuous feast! Lemon meringue pie and egg-free pizza for dessert, followed by the eating of said things!" Licking his lips in anticipation, Harry did a little awkward dance on the way to the refrigerator. Oddly enough, if someone happened to glance through the kitchen window at that moment, they would see a boy moving in a manner similar to a hummingbird carrying a tiny elephant.

While the pie cooked in the oven, Harry whirled around dramatically, and began juggling the egg-free eggs for the pizza. Three eggs were snatched with Seeker quickness, broken, emptied, and the shells thrown away, while Harry continued to juggle the rest. Harry smirked triumphantly, knowing that the hour was nearly nigh. Even though Harry had not tried juggling eggs in several years, it was clear he had not lost his touch.

Dancing merrily to the counter, Harry began tossing on his favorite toppings: ham, sausage, bacon, shredded beef, chicken nuggets, onions, garlic, falafel bits, and vegetarian slime. At the sight of the beauteous circle of planned perfection, the Boy-Who-Lived sighed in satisfaction. Now the food was ready for the final step in Harry's clever master plan. Grinning beatifically, Harry rolled up his sleeves and sat down at the table to begin his feast.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Brief Interlude:

Voldemort frowned and grimaced, scowling with an annoyed expression, glancing at Wormtail with a bitter look on his exasperated face. Wormtail shook and quivered, nearly half dead with fright. Voldemort continued to look at his peon with evil eyes, pursing his lips and growling, sending Wormtail into a near catatonia of terror.

Wormtail blinked.

"HA!" Voldemort roared triumphantly. "I win again! NONE SHALL DEFEAT ME IN THE CONTEST OF STARING!"

"Two out of three, Lord?" Wormtail inquired.

"Crucio!"

xxxxxx

Harry burped contentedly.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Author's Note:

**List of J's Cliches Used in this Fic:**  
**#43: **Harry Overthinks His Food**  
#17: **Harry's Ability as "Seeker" Overused**  
#276: **Internal Contradiction or Paradox**  
#7: **Harry's Eyes are Quite Striking**  
#12: **The Dursleys Vacate to a Vacation**  
#9: **Invalid Knowledge of the UK**  
#29: **Harry has Facial Stubble

Heard of The DaPotter Code? All my Harry Potter stories that are being written will contain a very special mysterious puzzle, a code if you will.

This story came about because of a disturbing trend I've noticed in fanfiction.

Bit O' Background: I have been reading and writing fanfiction since back in 1999. Of course, I had written original prose and poetry previously, and continue to do so. I started writing HP fanfiction a bit after GoF came out; so many ideas I had! Of course, due to certain "Events" occurring, they remained incomplete. Just a taste:  
Mangled Memory: My idea of a psychological thrill ride of alternate dimensions (I was one of the first to come up with this idea!) and the mysteries of memory.  
Extremus Incantus: Another idea, this one about a mystical word that seemingly causes illusionary effects, but is hiding something far more sinister.

The trend I mentioned earlier was over-describing the food Harry eats and prepares in various fics, usually the Independent!Harry and TimeTravel!Harry fics. Personally, I also like the Iron Chef!Harry fics, but at least those discuss food in a way that make sense.

As for the first clue for The DaPotter Code? It's hidden somewhere in this document. The key to where exactly is by reading the rating of movie critic Roger Ebert for the movie Match Point from 2006. Good luck!

-Jeram


	2. Harry Appears to be Troubled

H A R R Y P O T T E R A N D T H E I N N A T E M A L A P R O P I S M

* * *

Harry Potter sighed dramatically and finished signing the photo with a very dramatic flourish. Setting down the quill, Harry leaned back to examine his handiwork. On the bed before him lay nine identical photographs of Harry making a troubled and saddened face. Harry had taken solace in the fact that he had personally signed each one. With a melodramatic nod to Hedwig, who made a rude sound, he indicated that the owl had an important job to do. 

"You know what to do, girl. Deliver these photos to the people who should - no, NEED to get them. Post haste." Harry raised his appropriately tear-filled gaze to the snowy owl. "With all..." at this point, his voice grew raspy and choked. "Great... expediency." He cleared his throat and nodded. "Yeah, that sounds about right." He scratched Hedwig lightly under her beak and smiled. "Thanks again, old girl." Hedwig cocked her head and nipped him affectionately. With a quick movement, she grabbed the pictures with a practiced motion, and hopped over to the window. With an amused look back at her master, she hooted once, then flew out the window.

Harry smiled through his now teary eyes and walked over to the window to watch his favorite owlish friend soar majestically through the air. Of course, by the time the Boy-Who-Lived had dramatically made it over to the window, Hedwig was no longer in sight. Harry's eyes, now filled with enough liquid for a reasonable cup of coffee, squinted as he brushed his unruly hair back. "Merlinspeed, old girl. Merllinspeed."

With a quick shake of his head, sending tears in all directions, Harry turned back away from the window, to face his now all-too-familar bedroom door. Yup. It was time, once again, for Harry to leave his room. Taking a firm step forward, Harry squared his shoulders and breathed in deeply. The door would soon be opened once again. Keeping his breathing steady, Harry took one step after another, ensuring each foot hit the floor with a suitably dramatic smack. After a seemingly interminable time, Harry stretched out his arm in a dramatic motion and slowly, yet dramatically, turned the knob.

Harry stepped into the hallway, hands on his hips, and looked around proudly. He had made it. Suddenly Harry realized something.

"Ah, Crapwarts!" he cursed. With nary a look back, Harry ran to the bathroom.

xxxxxxxxxx 

_Frankie The Spoon Presents  
A Djinni Softworks Production_

_Harry Enjoys Some Lunch  
by Lord Jeram_

xxxxxx 

Young and ebullient Ginevra Weasley was concerned; she worriedly brushed back her brilliant, dancing red hair out of her eyes. The only downside to the "_Dancen Folliclus_" charm was that sometimes her hair seemed unnaturally attracted to her shimmering, warm, brown eyes. Those, of course, were enhanced by the "_Aqueous Flamberge Opticus_" charm, but that tended to cause swelling to her nose, so in turn that had yet another charm... well, perhaps using Lockhart's book of Cosmetic Charms for the Clueless wasn't the brightest idea. But at least it was quite cheap.

Anyway, bright and smart-as-a-whip Ginerva Wesly - that is, Ginreva Weasly, no, strike that, it's Gun... Ginny, just use Ginny. Yes, young Ginny sighed and blew the hair out of her face. She still didn't quite understand why her mother used the "_Randomus Ridikullus Appellatious_" spell to come up with silly names for her prodigious progeny. Nor did she know what "prodigious" meant. Nay, the young witch was worried about Harry Potter - better known as Jarry Jotter to those who were idiots. Ginny was worried because she had received a very disturbing photograph in the mail from her old boyfriend (or Harry Potter, as he was also known) which depicted him in a myopically morose and quite pensive mood. The picture had a note from Harry, scribbled in Harry's elegant, if crude, handwriting.

_Ginnrerva,  
Enclosed is a picture of me.  
Hope you are well.  
-Harry Potter_

Ginny remembered all too well when she had first received the picture from Hedwig, Harry's snowy-white owl...

_:FLASHBACK:_

Ginny yawned and scratched her cute, if slightly bulbous, nose. "Ah!" she exclaimed. "My nose! The coltish legs charm must be interfering again, dang it!" Ginny sighed as she walked to her mirror to reapply the necessary charms to bring Ginny back to her normal, bright, shining self. The young witch giggled as she considered the great quantity of daily charms she utilized. "I wonder what I'd even look like without them... probably like Ron with longer hair. Or Bill with softer features. Or Percy with more facial hair."

She laughed at herself, knowing full well that deep inside, a hideous pit of darkness waited to rear its ugly, horrendously malformed. How malformed, you ask? Well, this evil monstrosity had BEARD STUBBLE. That's right, it never shaved properly. On the other hand, razors are difficult to come by when one is contained within the spirit of a young, if overly made-up, girl. She still remembered how it had first showed up...

_:FLASHBACK:_

Ginny screeched in terror as the approaching darkness encroached stealthily. "NO!" she screamed in protest. "No," she said again with slightly less intensity. "No..." she murmured weakly, falling to the ground.

:_END FLASHBACK:_

Choosing to ignore this plot point, as it would clearly not be relevant, Ginny started working on pulling a large piece of spinach out of her teeth. "Bollocks..." she mumbled. "It's in there good and rotten, it is! Blimey and gargelfraster!" Ginny gasped and covered her mouth. With horror, she realized her Cockney suppression charm must be fading. "Ah, spit and gulliver! It'd take me flinches to gorm up this blumstencher," she growled grumpily.

Just then, Hedwig flew in the window, spotted Ginny and screeched in horror, dropping a photograph before fleeing in terror.

_:END FLASHBACK:_

Ginny chuckled at the remembered antics of Harry's familiar friend... or was it friend familiar? Ginny shrugged with a grin. Such things were irrelevant to someone as startlingly pretty as herself, right? Anyway, she knew that something had to be done about Harry. That photo was not very comforting. Quite the opposite, actually. Ginny knew that she'd have to tell her parents about this quandary at once.

_:FLASH FORWARD:_

"What!" Molly Weasley screeched. "Harry's in a coma and Ron choked to death on a carrot!"

Ginny quivered at this outburst. "Um, no, Mum. I said that Harry sent me a photograph that worried me."

"Oh, is that all," Mrs. Weasley said pleasantly, taking the time between the upcoming flashbacks to bake a few pies for dear Harry. A coma! Honestly. "What's so worrisome about the picture, dear?"

Without a word, the youngest Weasley handed the picture to her mother, who frowned at the sight. It was indeed worrisome. Why, she remembered all too well how dear young Harry had looked the last time she had seen him...

_:FLASHBACK:_

Harry frowned as he looked back at the Hogwarts Express with a serious expression on his face. He then nodded once, and turned to face his friends. They spoke quietly, and Molly couldn't quite make out what they were saying. Using an old Prewitt family trick, she plugged one ear with a finger and listened with the other.

"Hmm," she frowned. It sounded something like "Getting to the crux of the matter" and something about "whore-something"... oh, they were talking about darling Ginny. Molly smiled beatifically and stopped eavesdropping, letting the precious precocious children have their privacy privily.

Ginny didn't like the looks of Harry's look, and she hurried forward to her father's waiting arms. It looked like she would have to think about Harry later.

_:FLASH FORWARD:_

Ginny sighed as she inspected the picture of Harry. A hoot startled her, and she whirled to the window, wand out, only to see Hedwig arrive with Harry's picture. The owl spotted the photo in Ginny's hands and hooted in confusion. "Oh no," Ginny grimaced. "I think I've lost track of flashbacks again. Sorry about this Hedwig. I'll take care of this."

_:END FLASH FORWARD:_

Ginny stumbled forward, started by the abrupt end of the flash-forward. Arthur quickly caught her.

"Are you okay dear?" he asked kindly. "Hey, what's that picture you have there?"

Ginny looked down at the ever-present picture and screamed. "No! You shouldn't be here, you stupid bloody picture!"

Molly sighed and shook her head. She'd have to discipline Ginny when they got back from the flashback.

_:END FLASHBACK:_

"That reminds me," Mrs. Weasley said sternly. "Ginny, watch your language!"

"Huh?" Ginny said intelligently. "Mum, I didn't say anything!"

"I know", Molly replied in a patient tone. "But you did, remember?"

"Oh nuts to this!" Ginny said angrily. "I'll show you the bloody photo later! I mean earlier. I mean... Damn!"

_:END FLASH FORWARD:_

Ginny looked around the room cautiously. "Okay, I think I'm back. But I'm worried about dear Harry. Oh, bloody hell, now I'm doing it!"

With a scathing glare at the author, Ginny stomped downstairs. "Mum!" she called out.

"What is it, dear?" Molly stepped out of the kitchen with a curious expression on her face.

"It's Harry," Ginny stated unnecessarily. "I got this picture and then I had a flashback and then YOU had a flashback, or was it a flashforward? Well, it just got all jumbled out and everyone went crazy and you punished me for something I hadn't done yet, or had already done or..."

"Shh, shh," Molly stepped forward and embraced her hysterical daughter. "Calm down, Ginny. Don't worry about a thing. I know exactly what you're talking about."

Ginny looked up hesitantly "You do?" she asked.

"Yes," her mother replied. "I have a copy too."

A sudden noise came from upstairs, startling the two women. They both turned in unison to face the stairway, only to see Ron's panicked countenance as he ran down the stairs.

"Mum! Ginny!" Ron gasped as he breathed rapidly. "I got a picture in the mail from Harry. I'm worried about him."

"Oh? And why is that?" Ginny asked with a bemused smirk.

"Look," Ron exclaimed, holding up said photo. "Harry appears to be troubled."

------

Hermione gasped as she saw the picture she had received from Harry's owl, Hedwig. "Oh no! Harry appears to be troubled! I had better write Ron."

------

In the shadows, a mysterious entity lurked, waiting patiently for just the right opportunity. The being with the initials PH would get its day. Oh it would GET ITS DAY.

-------

Author's Notes:

**List of J's Cliches Used in this Fic:  
****#412:** Ginny is "Ebullient"  
**#414:** Ginny is "Startlingly Pretty"  
**#416:** Ginny has "Coltish Legs"  
**#417:** Ginny is "Smart-As-A-Whip"  
**#419:** Ginny has "Warm Brown Eyes"  
**#420:** Ginny has "Dancing Red Hair"  
**#435:** Ginny's Name is Spelled Wrong  
**#97:** "Honestly!"  
**#99:** "Dear" Harry  
**#132:** Harry Cries Way Too Much  
**#221:** Harry is Troubled

Well, there's another cliche for you - why does Harry always look so worried? Geez, lighten UP man! What could you possibly be so worried about? Oh, wait. Right. Sorry.

------

Harry sighed as he considered the magnitude of what he had done. Why, he remembered all too well how it had all started...

_:FLASHBACK:_

"Okay, Hedwig, just peck the button, that will take the picture. Just wait for me to get into position. Then I'll get you some crispy bacon."

Hedwig hooted in understanding, and hopped over to the camera.

_:END FLASHBACK:_

"Yeah," Harry mused. "Just like that."

**OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE**

Ginny snarled angrily as she pointed her wand at the author. "What the hell was that?" she demanded.

Um, what do you mean? the author asked nervously.

"Harry's flashback. It was nothing! And this confrontation! It's not even in the actual story!"

Well, that's intentional. I mean, I'm not actually a character in the story.

"Shut up!" Ginny blazed. "You're about to find out about my famous Weasley temper firsthand!"

Hey, I didn't even mention that cliche in this chapter!

"You just did," Ginny said smugly.

Oh. Well, regardless, the chapter's over anyway. I'm afraid you'll have to wait to hex me.

"Fine..." Ginny growled. "But you're not out of the fire yet. When I get a chance, maybe the next omake, you're toast!"

Hmm.. I think I'll start running now.


End file.
